Illusions

I see all this but it can't touch me. It's an illusion...
It seems like we're drawing ourselves on some sort of canvas. A water painting... Slowly fading....
The more I try to rationalize the less I perceive. That's just how it is!
They tell me I have to live in reality. I hate their reality... For it is so different from mine!
In my hands I hold the key to freedom. Why am I so afraid to use it? Why is it so hard to smile... and just let go?
It's like a disease, this ability to dream... So intense! It slowly kills you as a drug, making you believe you can leave in its arms and... let go!

Hold it... and let you go...
Fail with it... and let you go....

I had to chance to get out... Did I?
They gave me that chance... Did they?
I could have been someone... Ain't I?
It could have meant something... doesn't it?

So how can you define what's real and what's not? If you don't know who it is that cry inside this soul and you can't even decide if I deserve your appreciation?

I dress in black even when I'm strong! I shoot the pain even when I am weak! I fight the 'till it hurts no more. And until it is over I feel naked upon the mere sight of a simple moon reflecting my fears.
And the world twirls around with only a thought of it. It becomes hollow as a vacant room in my secret mansion. And the rain stops as I wish it to.

I'm so tired! Need to rest...
Need eternity as a wild animal needs to feed...
I need freedom...
I'm dying... Can't you see I'm dying?

Blindness

Blindness is truth... and I... I can't see...
I can't see I'm falling!!

Testimonial

"The bleakness of the landscape is unimaginable. It is as friendless and alien as a Dali painting. Ordinary concerns, such as work or friends, have no place here. Futility muffles thought; time elongates cruelly. Who is to blame for this situation? Those with depression think it must be them. Pointlessness and self-loathing govern them. So the natural final step is suicide. People with depression don’t kill themselves to frighten an errant boyfriend. They kill themselves because it is the obvious and right thing to do at that point. It is the only positive step they can think of."

Kay McKall,
an Ipswich (UK) general practitioner and consumer with depression, writing in the British Medical Journal
(NAMI Advocate, winter 2002)

Revolting News

I know this is not the regular stuff I put in my blog but it was really a revolting situation in my country that I had to post! I hope you don't let something like this happen in your country!

Responsible for a caring center in Setúbal (Portugal) used inflicted phisical punishments
The Supreme Court's decision concerning abuse to children with mental retardations is "preoccupying and revolting"
12.04.2006 - 11h00 Lusa

Humberto Santos, the president of the Portuguese Association for the retarded (APD), considers that the fact that the Supreme Court of Justice defended the concept of "education by agression" when refering to mentally and phisically retarded children is "preoccupying and revolting".

"It is a unqualifying agression for whom is practicing it, but it is very concerning e profoundly revolting when it is defended, especially by a court of law", stated Humberto Santos.

The president of the Portuguese Association for the retarded (APD) stated also that this is "a Middle Ages descriptive picture". "The educative system accepted by this decision would be a natural act on a period of time that would be very different from the one we are on now that is the XXI century", he said.

"We are facing a grotesc violation of the human rights and this decision will allow everyone in a similar situation to keep the aggressions. This is very preoccupying", he remarked.

Humberto Santos believes that, by its serious nature, this case should be reviewed by the European Court for The Human Rights. "If we had been the promoting entity for this action, this would be the next step to take", he stated.

The president of the APD assured that he had no knowledge of what was happening in that caring center in Setúbal, nor he had known any similar situations in other institutions.

The Supreme Court of Justice considered the behaviour of the responsible of a caring center for retarded children accused of abuse to several children as "licit" and "acceptable".

The woman had been accused of various situations: beating children, locking them in dark rooms when they refused to eat. She was found guilty of only one situation (the court considered that, at least twice, she tied up the feet and the hands of a seven year old boy, as a way to avoid him to disturb her sleep by getting out of the bed), having she been condemned with suspended penalty.

The Public Prosecution Service has contested the decision but with no hope. The Supreme Court said that locking children in rooms is a regular punishment of any "good father". And that the beating, if otherwise done, can even inccur in "educational negligence".

"What man called a good father won't beat his kid when he doesn't want to go to school once or twice? (...) or won't send his child to his bedroom when he doesn't want to eat? As for the first two we can actually say that, when absent, can become a educational negligence. Most children refuse to go to school once or twice and this has to be imposed due to its vital importance. Of course that if its a school phobia it is important to ask the motives and professional counseling. But when we face one or two refusals, light beating is part of the education", the judges say in a decision taken last week.

In Publico, April 2 2006

Love Letter

You know this ain't a love letter.

The ink is flowing out the paper as tears that I never shed. Irony in senses as a wild splash. I glanced at each of you everytime my cristal eye broke. Still no shame and no hunger... No blame, no anger!

Touched me and I saw the light... Burnt in the sun! A king without dignity, a realm of pain, once a merciful servant...

No more!! Never more!!

And so I hide... from you and your deadly sin...

We reached the clouds didn't we? We reached the stars... We killed the nights!

I survived! Why didn't you?

My old friend

My old friend comes to me
when he's lonely.
My lonesome friend finds me...
himself... Solely!

He thinks I'm crazy, my crazy friend.
To my birth he tries to attend!

A new friend now I have... So much like
my oldest friend! So wrong done! And said!
But not so easily laid!

Let me dream forever with a world of mine... I'm getting tired of this one... Wouldn't it be fair? Couldn't we find peace of mind in our own way?

A world with a mind in the hands of mindless beings! It's so unfair!

I still can't believe my soul needs a body to endure. For I feel them so distinct and so apart! Is it possible for them to be as one if they possess such opposite needs?

We are all but mixes of quantum states... Why must we strive so hard for freedom? Why is it always wrong when it fits as natural?

You say to me it is an illusion? This things I touch, this things I smell, this things I see... This things, you say, are happening anywhere else but my head?
Too many times I tried to tell you... Too many times I was astray... Too many times... Reality is a mere sense we give to things we can't understand nor live with...

You think we will save ourselves from chaos? I see it! I see it! Noone believes! Noone cares!

Nothing

Some find peace...

Some are frantic...

Are you sure this means something?

Bug

I thought I saw a bug... It's here...

Buzzing in my mind... Bzz Bzz Bzz.... About the wicked ways of the world...

Skeptical order runs this caos... Ignorance would be bliss as for poison doesn't work any more...

Rats, rats all over, chewing my bed! Can't fall awake anymore!

Rimes and it can't leave me alone... I'm so alone...

If I pull this trigger would it happen? Or is it just a dream? Hurts to try...

Plane

I think of you...
I do...
When you're gone.

This wound of glass magnifies the pain...
Breaks away the rain...

Head thrown in fury of weird thoughts
by this coincidence...
Hiding in magnificence.

I bite the days as they were rubber done,
Trying not to fall asleep...
For when the night comes
I know that my slumber is gone...

I would try to explain...
But it's still too plain!

Simple Things

I like simple things...

Absent minded details that will always come our ways, simple feelings that hurt too deep, simple thoughts of simple questions for which the answer is simply obvious!

Oh simple things don't always come to this rather complicated mind!

Understand

You can't understand me...

You can't understand that it is not about surviving. It's about feeling! Hard enough to not know exactly where it hurts! So completely that it becames the whole of you!

How thin is the dark line that separates love from obsession?

When will you understand that you have been blind? How come you are so worried about turning on the light that I forgot to unravel? It is the darkness inside my soul that guides me! Where reason cannot find it's way and the uglyness of the world cannot make my eyes burst in tears that do not allow me to see!

Take that away from me and you might as well kill me!

Dream

I woke up today with this dream in my head. A dream I dreamt in another life.

Lonely as always I reached out for you in my bed as if I didn't know I wasn't suppose to find you there.
It made me angry and desperate!

In my vision you were resigning yourself to death before my own eyes and I was unable to move... As though it was meant to be! As if you had won in your search for holiness!

But the pain was so real I wasn't even sure it was just fantasy!

Moonlight filling the room where I was standing! Clouds drawing bloody tears in the sky... An empty wardrobe... an infrared connection vanished like vapor... And then there was nothing but me beside your disembowelled body.

Obvious

How dare you take loneliness away from me? Who are you to disturb my peaceful realm and take away my calmness? I was my own queen until you came!

You made me loose conscience again, float away in the sea of bright nights... You know how I hate them! How I hate light!

This concise pain... Strict, absolute... Obsolete!

So, don't go right now, stay a while... Stay with me until I'm strong again!

Love is a devil that lurks in the obscenity of the fluids that are shared in a simple and candid kiss! Or is it lust? It's not easy to follow a rational course of thought in this hell!

Sun is rising! I must sleep now!

Clarification

It's not just darkness in my soul


It's mostly absence of light

The End...

Linked to sorrow I'll never heal.

Ignorance, inconsistence, betrayal.. hate and pain... The bliss of the undead!
A storie to be told, always the begining... It ended like this...

Can't you see?
I ended... It ended... Like this...

It ended in me!! Like me!!
And I was never me!!

Desejo

Amo-te porque és sagrado, perfeito...
Amo-te por todas as curvas sublimes
Que posso desenhar em teu peito...
Amo teus olhos loucos e firmes!

Amo teus requintes de génio...
Amo teus caprichos de criança...
Amo tua indiferente segurança!

Amo teu pensamento idóneo,
Amo teu sorriso de demónio...
Amo tudo o que és e eu quero ser,
Amo-te por tudo o que não me deixas ver!

Amo-te... Nada mais...
Amo teus instintos animais...
Amo todo o teu engenho!
Amo-te com tudo o que tenho!

Amo tua certeza, tua inconstância,
O terror que inspiras quando te chateio,
O teu espírito frio, sem instância,
Sem mesericórdia, sem receio!

Inverno

A chuva que cai lá fora,
Como se para onde ir não tivesse,
Entra como se porta não houvesse,
E depressa se vai embora.

Anjos caídos do céu em brasa,
Ardem no barro frio do chão,
Demónio... De tentação...
A minha alma... A tua casa...

Choro húmido e lânguido.
Eco em mim como gritos de lava
De um vulcão que só eu sonhava.
Julgam-me sem juiz ou arguido!

Não te vás doce inverno,
Dilacera minha alma...
Corta-me em pedaços com tua calma...
Deixa-me ser cinza de teu inferno!

Cansaço

O vento lá fora geme e soluça
Pela gente que se arrasta nas ruas...
Correntes de uma existência atrasada,
O peso da alma é tanto que arrasa!
Pudera eu encontrar o caminho para casa!
Vagueio por ruelas de vida degradada,
Carreiros (que só eu conheço) de casas nuas,
Terra morta... Em sapatos de camurça...

Terei que ficar por aqui... menos mal...
Parece que o cansaço me venceu afinal!

Feelings in an envelope

Words are just words... And I will not say them no more... I chose my silence as I hold the anger inside...
Hatred... Indifferent letters that altogether mean too much! It should be no more than phonetics... Oh but it is not! It really is more! And that is what bothers me...

Oh Dreams, they die when they ought to be forgotten! Will you not leave me soon enough? There is no point in all of this pretension!

I created a world that trapped me in. I would be lying if I said that I tried to escape!

You thought you could save me... Indeed...
What you could not understand is that you can only save one who wants to be saved!

I will stay here in darkness... I am so sorry...