Turn to face the door as it was open. Tried not to worry about what had been said and done.
I can't turn back the clock, my friend! I can't turn it back to the old days when we were what we wanted to be...

Can't fake it! Such an illusion.

The room with mirrors and the doll at the window.
Rested in peace as I layed down at your feet.
Reminding me of the past and the trees in the backyard.
Your trust and not your hand! Your ring of fire in the head as though some saint couldn't get it back!

Never

This is the side of me you'll never know
The one you should let go.
That one you should care about... but you don't.

Let me go, leave me to the night...

Untitled

Cities rise on my fingers when darkness sets.
Empires risen on sand of dead generations.
Blisters with the taste of bliss.
Dead as I am no one can be... And yet they live as such!
No soul, no pity, no mercy... no one!

It was that room. That road I forgot how to walk, the one I don't even recall remembering. The beauty of it all seemed to astound me.
But only for a moment they were all fragments of me, a historical figment, a past in the wild.
Now they were here to haunt me.

I was alone in that royal peace, a humble servant of your pleasure.

Believed in carols for you whispered them.

And as days turned into nights I felt as a queen.

Yesterday you knocked on my door with a sense of eagerness. Today, you're just a lonesome boy. The way you cared and touched... Was only a glimpse of your fortuitous glamour.

So I walk this streets alone once more hopping for the nights. The darkness that's only mine... not ours.
Tell me why is it that I feel the end is near?

Perishing endearments in your golden dreams

And a portion of nightmares to match.

Begins with has and haven't beens

And the ending is the broken pieces we catch.

Black as if white has been washed out. That's how I sense my reality. If only I could restore it's foggy brightness...

I was alone in that royal peace, a humble servant of your pleasure.
Believed in carols for you whispered them.
And as days turned into nights I felt as a queen.

One of these mornings

" One of these mornings
Won't be very long
They will look for me
And I'll be gone "

To think I'm still here
As though our time has never been past
To believe in it as a mere
Reflection of a life that's been gone fast.

Fast as the beating of my heart,
Busy as the people on these streets.

One of these mornings...
They'll wake up to find me gone...
Despite of all the warnings...
I'll be here no more...

whom

I would rather die than face life with the eyes of your indifference.
Such an incoherence in your voice speaks louder than your thoughts.
As if the world is to end in flatulence.

But then again... who are you?

The emptiness is there and you don't see it! And there's nothing more I can do!

something that you should know

A beutifull poem. Not mine but worthy of mentioning. Hope you like it too.

"my secrets
appear on your window
when you fog the division
with your own warm breath;
you lost yourself in their presence,
in your search for
cheekbones on sunflowers
and night blades
by the moon's chin.
impatience hummed your fears,
and the absence you cherished
quickly dissolved.
the only way to know is
to
ask
nothing."

© 2006 Cecilia - Mistress of the Universe

Posted »» here ««

Grounded

She says without you I'll loose ground... That's what she says... But I, I'm not quite sure!

She said it would be fun without you...
That's what she said...
And I, I was sure... We were wrong!

She will say that I'll be better off by myself...
That's what I think she will say...
And of that I will be sure... For I've always been alone!

Too Deep

When it touches too deep there is no way out.
No way, no roads, nothing I couldn't live without!

Empty spaces are filled with utopia,
disturbed only by the peacefullness of void resolutions
And there is no way out. No absolutions!

Harder and harder to stay away!
I just wanted to know how to pray.

And I want to fly, fly, fly...
Fly so far away from this fire that burns with me!
Fly, fly, fly... oh why?
But there is no way out! No way... to be free!

No more weakness in my eyes...
as though loneliness was but an illusion!
Inside it's the only thing I still feel,
No more... nothing more than confusion!

I've never been so wrong in my life, I know!
To think that you'll ever understand!
It's too much for you, I know!
So much more pain than you can stand!

And so I hide in anger and despair,
hoping one day I'll find the exit!
One step at a time! It's just not fair!

I wish I could surrender to death!

No way... No way... No way out of this for me!

And so I stand here... Waiting...

Waiting for the clock to turn...
And for the flowers to burn...

Waiting for my life...
In the edge of the knife...

I unlocked the door for you,
and the light went through.

This image got out of my head
As a nightmare with a led.

Illusions

I see all this but it can't touch me. It's an illusion...
It seems like we're drawing ourselves on some sort of canvas. A water painting... Slowly fading....
The more I try to rationalize the less I perceive. That's just how it is!
They tell me I have to live in reality. I hate their reality... For it is so different from mine!
In my hands I hold the key to freedom. Why am I so afraid to use it? Why is it so hard to smile... and just let go?
It's like a disease, this ability to dream... So intense! It slowly kills you as a drug, making you believe you can leave in its arms and... let go!

Hold it... and let you go...
Fail with it... and let you go....

I had to chance to get out... Did I?
They gave me that chance... Did they?
I could have been someone... Ain't I?
It could have meant something... doesn't it?

So how can you define what's real and what's not? If you don't know who it is that cry inside this soul and you can't even decide if I deserve your appreciation?

I dress in black even when I'm strong! I shoot the pain even when I am weak! I fight the 'till it hurts no more. And until it is over I feel naked upon the mere sight of a simple moon reflecting my fears.
And the world twirls around with only a thought of it. It becomes hollow as a vacant room in my secret mansion. And the rain stops as I wish it to.

I'm so tired! Need to rest...
Need eternity as a wild animal needs to feed...
I need freedom...
I'm dying... Can't you see I'm dying?

Blindness

Blindness is truth... and I... I can't see...
I can't see I'm falling!!

Testimonial

"The bleakness of the landscape is unimaginable. It is as friendless and alien as a Dali painting. Ordinary concerns, such as work or friends, have no place here. Futility muffles thought; time elongates cruelly. Who is to blame for this situation? Those with depression think it must be them. Pointlessness and self-loathing govern them. So the natural final step is suicide. People with depression don’t kill themselves to frighten an errant boyfriend. They kill themselves because it is the obvious and right thing to do at that point. It is the only positive step they can think of."

Kay McKall,
an Ipswich (UK) general practitioner and consumer with depression, writing in the British Medical Journal
(NAMI Advocate, winter 2002)

Revolting News

I know this is not the regular stuff I put in my blog but it was really a revolting situation in my country that I had to post! I hope you don't let something like this happen in your country!

Responsible for a caring center in Setúbal (Portugal) used inflicted phisical punishments
The Supreme Court's decision concerning abuse to children with mental retardations is "preoccupying and revolting"
12.04.2006 - 11h00 Lusa

Humberto Santos, the president of the Portuguese Association for the retarded (APD), considers that the fact that the Supreme Court of Justice defended the concept of "education by agression" when refering to mentally and phisically retarded children is "preoccupying and revolting".

"It is a unqualifying agression for whom is practicing it, but it is very concerning e profoundly revolting when it is defended, especially by a court of law", stated Humberto Santos.

The president of the Portuguese Association for the retarded (APD) stated also that this is "a Middle Ages descriptive picture". "The educative system accepted by this decision would be a natural act on a period of time that would be very different from the one we are on now that is the XXI century", he said.

"We are facing a grotesc violation of the human rights and this decision will allow everyone in a similar situation to keep the aggressions. This is very preoccupying", he remarked.

Humberto Santos believes that, by its serious nature, this case should be reviewed by the European Court for The Human Rights. "If we had been the promoting entity for this action, this would be the next step to take", he stated.

The president of the APD assured that he had no knowledge of what was happening in that caring center in Setúbal, nor he had known any similar situations in other institutions.

The Supreme Court of Justice considered the behaviour of the responsible of a caring center for retarded children accused of abuse to several children as "licit" and "acceptable".

The woman had been accused of various situations: beating children, locking them in dark rooms when they refused to eat. She was found guilty of only one situation (the court considered that, at least twice, she tied up the feet and the hands of a seven year old boy, as a way to avoid him to disturb her sleep by getting out of the bed), having she been condemned with suspended penalty.

The Public Prosecution Service has contested the decision but with no hope. The Supreme Court said that locking children in rooms is a regular punishment of any "good father". And that the beating, if otherwise done, can even inccur in "educational negligence".

"What man called a good father won't beat his kid when he doesn't want to go to school once or twice? (...) or won't send his child to his bedroom when he doesn't want to eat? As for the first two we can actually say that, when absent, can become a educational negligence. Most children refuse to go to school once or twice and this has to be imposed due to its vital importance. Of course that if its a school phobia it is important to ask the motives and professional counseling. But when we face one or two refusals, light beating is part of the education", the judges say in a decision taken last week.

In Publico, April 2 2006

Love Letter

You know this ain't a love letter.

The ink is flowing out the paper as tears that I never shed. Irony in senses as a wild splash. I glanced at each of you everytime my cristal eye broke. Still no shame and no hunger... No blame, no anger!

Touched me and I saw the light... Burnt in the sun! A king without dignity, a realm of pain, once a merciful servant...

No more!! Never more!!

And so I hide... from you and your deadly sin...

We reached the clouds didn't we? We reached the stars... We killed the nights!

I survived! Why didn't you?

My old friend

My old friend comes to me
when he's lonely.
My lonesome friend finds me...
himself... Solely!

He thinks I'm crazy, my crazy friend.
To my birth he tries to attend!

A new friend now I have... So much like
my oldest friend! So wrong done! And said!
But not so easily laid!

Let me dream forever with a world of mine... I'm getting tired of this one... Wouldn't it be fair? Couldn't we find peace of mind in our own way?

A world with a mind in the hands of mindless beings! It's so unfair!

I still can't believe my soul needs a body to endure. For I feel them so distinct and so apart! Is it possible for them to be as one if they possess such opposite needs?

We are all but mixes of quantum states... Why must we strive so hard for freedom? Why is it always wrong when it fits as natural?

You say to me it is an illusion? This things I touch, this things I smell, this things I see... This things, you say, are happening anywhere else but my head?
Too many times I tried to tell you... Too many times I was astray... Too many times... Reality is a mere sense we give to things we can't understand nor live with...

You think we will save ourselves from chaos? I see it! I see it! Noone believes! Noone cares!

Nothing

Some find peace...

Some are frantic...

Are you sure this means something?

Bug

I thought I saw a bug... It's here...

Buzzing in my mind... Bzz Bzz Bzz.... About the wicked ways of the world...

Skeptical order runs this caos... Ignorance would be bliss as for poison doesn't work any more...

Rats, rats all over, chewing my bed! Can't fall awake anymore!

Rimes and it can't leave me alone... I'm so alone...

If I pull this trigger would it happen? Or is it just a dream? Hurts to try...

Plane

I think of you...
I do...
When you're gone.

This wound of glass magnifies the pain...
Breaks away the rain...

Head thrown in fury of weird thoughts
by this coincidence...
Hiding in magnificence.

I bite the days as they were rubber done,
Trying not to fall asleep...
For when the night comes
I know that my slumber is gone...

I would try to explain...
But it's still too plain!

Simple Things

I like simple things...

Absent minded details that will always come our ways, simple feelings that hurt too deep, simple thoughts of simple questions for which the answer is simply obvious!

Oh simple things don't always come to this rather complicated mind!

Understand

You can't understand me...

You can't understand that it is not about surviving. It's about feeling! Hard enough to not know exactly where it hurts! So completely that it becames the whole of you!

How thin is the dark line that separates love from obsession?

When will you understand that you have been blind? How come you are so worried about turning on the light that I forgot to unravel? It is the darkness inside my soul that guides me! Where reason cannot find it's way and the uglyness of the world cannot make my eyes burst in tears that do not allow me to see!

Take that away from me and you might as well kill me!

Dream

I woke up today with this dream in my head. A dream I dreamt in another life.

Lonely as always I reached out for you in my bed as if I didn't know I wasn't suppose to find you there.
It made me angry and desperate!

In my vision you were resigning yourself to death before my own eyes and I was unable to move... As though it was meant to be! As if you had won in your search for holiness!

But the pain was so real I wasn't even sure it was just fantasy!

Moonlight filling the room where I was standing! Clouds drawing bloody tears in the sky... An empty wardrobe... an infrared connection vanished like vapor... And then there was nothing but me beside your disembowelled body.

Obvious

How dare you take loneliness away from me? Who are you to disturb my peaceful realm and take away my calmness? I was my own queen until you came!

You made me loose conscience again, float away in the sea of bright nights... You know how I hate them! How I hate light!

This concise pain... Strict, absolute... Obsolete!

So, don't go right now, stay a while... Stay with me until I'm strong again!

Love is a devil that lurks in the obscenity of the fluids that are shared in a simple and candid kiss! Or is it lust? It's not easy to follow a rational course of thought in this hell!

Sun is rising! I must sleep now!

Clarification

It's not just darkness in my soul


It's mostly absence of light

The End...

Linked to sorrow I'll never heal.

Ignorance, inconsistence, betrayal.. hate and pain... The bliss of the undead!
A storie to be told, always the begining... It ended like this...

Can't you see?
I ended... It ended... Like this...

It ended in me!! Like me!!
And I was never me!!

Desejo

Amo-te porque és sagrado, perfeito...
Amo-te por todas as curvas sublimes
Que posso desenhar em teu peito...
Amo teus olhos loucos e firmes!

Amo teus requintes de génio...
Amo teus caprichos de criança...
Amo tua indiferente segurança!

Amo teu pensamento idóneo,
Amo teu sorriso de demónio...
Amo tudo o que és e eu quero ser,
Amo-te por tudo o que não me deixas ver!

Amo-te... Nada mais...
Amo teus instintos animais...
Amo todo o teu engenho!
Amo-te com tudo o que tenho!

Amo tua certeza, tua inconstância,
O terror que inspiras quando te chateio,
O teu espírito frio, sem instância,
Sem mesericórdia, sem receio!

Inverno

A chuva que cai lá fora,
Como se para onde ir não tivesse,
Entra como se porta não houvesse,
E depressa se vai embora.

Anjos caídos do céu em brasa,
Ardem no barro frio do chão,
Demónio... De tentação...
A minha alma... A tua casa...

Choro húmido e lânguido.
Eco em mim como gritos de lava
De um vulcão que só eu sonhava.
Julgam-me sem juiz ou arguido!

Não te vás doce inverno,
Dilacera minha alma...
Corta-me em pedaços com tua calma...
Deixa-me ser cinza de teu inferno!

Cansaço

O vento lá fora geme e soluça
Pela gente que se arrasta nas ruas...
Correntes de uma existência atrasada,
O peso da alma é tanto que arrasa!
Pudera eu encontrar o caminho para casa!
Vagueio por ruelas de vida degradada,
Carreiros (que só eu conheço) de casas nuas,
Terra morta... Em sapatos de camurça...

Terei que ficar por aqui... menos mal...
Parece que o cansaço me venceu afinal!

Feelings in an envelope

Words are just words... And I will not say them no more... I chose my silence as I hold the anger inside...
Hatred... Indifferent letters that altogether mean too much! It should be no more than phonetics... Oh but it is not! It really is more! And that is what bothers me...

Oh Dreams, they die when they ought to be forgotten! Will you not leave me soon enough? There is no point in all of this pretension!

I created a world that trapped me in. I would be lying if I said that I tried to escape!

You thought you could save me... Indeed...
What you could not understand is that you can only save one who wants to be saved!

I will stay here in darkness... I am so sorry...

Promise

I've been this lonely since I was a little girl. I always had lots of friends around me but my house was always empty. Like I was...

I created you to fill that gap that existed between me and my other selves. You were the only one who could reach me... You existed as long as I wanted... And when you would leave you wouldn't care to say goodbye...

I would spend hours and hours whispering stories to you that were supposed to be mine. But it were your tales of blood, flesh and pain that pleased me the most.

I grew up to hate you and all the things you represented, that side of me that I shied away from the harsh world I lived in... The human side, the flaws I wished gone, the feelings of greater darkness that I didn't seem to care about... The shadows... All the things I loved...

At this point I can say you are more me than I will ever be... And I won't loose you again!

Felt it...

Felt it inside like a bullet...

It penetrated my skin as if it wasn't even there at all. My veins blasted with the impact. I was in shock.

Yesterday I could tell the difference... I could believe... Now it's just confusing images of it in my head!

I don't own my mind anymore, though it's hard to tell how it got away!