Serenade

    Hear my pain
                 Those notes on my head
                                       Let them take you to me
                 For I'm not afraid of being her

    Hear the sorrow
                   The rage
                           Bathe with me in these deep waters
                   For I'm not afraid of being you

Indulgence

I can't count all the ways I've been fooling myself running against the bedroom window. I used to find some self compassion somewhere deep in a sense of me that was in some way something more than a mere illusion.

Now it's just this, a mirror of tastes and smells. Refined aromas in the air. Livid faces and partitures so gentle to the touch that I wonder where I got them from.

In an instant it seemed away. But it's still here.

I walked myself to the kitchen and found a tasty sandwich. Between the bites I could hear the laugther in my stomach as it rolled down the throat trying to find a way not to get in deeper than it should.

Forget that hat and let's take a walk...

The streets appeared in front of me in pieces. I didn't care. I just continued singing inside for a coffee break. That's what I did.
Went into a crowded library to find myself reciting a poem I didn't even have consciously learnt.

I really felt like it in such a day! And it was such a day!

The birds on the trees were singing with such persistent joy that it almost impossible not to follow them even if out of tune.

Suddenly the rain fell... And all turned gray in a quarter of a second... The sadness took over me... I tried to take cover but it was all to late... She always wins...

Got back home feeling imcomplete... Back in bed... Back to dreams... Back to my world...

I was safe... Nothing to worry about... Just the way I liked it...

Daydreaming

There is something I can't trust in it anyway... No matter what I'll have to do before I'm gone I'm going to heal it anyhow...

What an annoying feeling of torture! I just close my eyes and for a moment I'm really there! Where the fun is, and all the good things yet to try. Where thougth no longer invades fantasy and sorrow is nothing but an humilliating past.

To dream about it is to raise my soul up to something higher than this. And I can't take this any longer.

I am trying to hold on to something I can't reach.

I look out the window and I see people. Specters of shadow waltzing along some pathway that leads to nothing every single day. And God! how they look happy! Sometimes I wish I could be like them and not face irony in a destiny I carry like a burden.

I'm tired of being myself for others!

About to...

Hope You can't see my decay...
For I have perished in better feelings!
Stand beside me as I pray,
In worse nightmares than healings.

Putridity within this naked soul,
With boredom as its sole completion...
Came together with a goal
Too predicted to be an addiction.

Obsession I said... No more!
Your posession... My lore!

Please defeat my sleep with corrosion
So I would die in You with illusion!

Deamons

As the silent voices crept over the wood ceiling he could not sleep. He wanted to make them stop, he did... But they just kept humming and humming in his head until he could hear them no more.

Not a conscious soul was alive in that room, not even him. 'Honestly, I can't really compromise this reality thing by changing the subject of my controverse existence', he thought with the dull excitment of a grown-up loonatic boy about to discover some glimpse of humor in a fleshless body.

It was 3:00 in the morning...

'But it wasn't my fault!! I swear!!'... Was she dreaming? How on earth could he tell? 'I just told him what he wanted to know! I didn't break it like you say I did!'.
He was an attractive man, so to speak. Or at least he always had women like fleas. Honest just about anything but his true nature. Or else she wouldn't care.
She was so scared he could smell her fear. Sometimes she wouldn't even let him touch her face. And still they were both lying in the same bed, sharing the same amount of understanding for each other.

She knew that whatever was left of humanity in him was there with her in their linen sheets and their love making by the full moon chilling nights with endless rain.

3:30 and she kept crying like a little child. He knew his embrace would be enough for her to have relief... And he did just that...

'What if you let me have you forever? Don't you think we can cast away all that evil?', he asked as if begging.

Drowned in her nightmares she somehow managed to let out a sigh. That was how he always knew she was leaving him!

Seven Deadly Sins :: by Martha Dawig ::

Comments by ~blackeri

"Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body."

The theme:

As you can see, from my Lust sketch I have only kept the pose, but totally changed the face.
I think that this one fits the topic better.
I see Lust as being concentrated on yourself, being "drowned in your own world" kind of way, rather than seducting and being "flirty"(and this look was used in the sketch)
Ok, nevermind

About the symbolism:
The color - I am aware of the fact, that according to some sources Lust is connected with blue. To me though, blue just doesn't do it - It's too "cold", and therefore I picked(surprise) red - connection with the color of flame, warmth. No I am not connecting lust with love

The frame - uses the flame pattern... my thought-connections were: flame -> burning desire -> lust

The waterfall - something rapid, unpredictable, not controlable :]

God Forsaken Soul

Are we dead already? I guess we're now decomposing...

Walking along these roads again I see nothing but desperate souls waiting for death final redemption. Though we strive along as rats hungered in the coldness of the hardest desert, we don't seem to be more alive than they do.

We pray for a savior...
We cannot save ourselves... We cannot trust ouserlves...
We don't need a savior alike us...
We could not possibly trust him...

What's the purpose anyway? There's nothing out there to live for... There's nothing out there to die for... So we just keep surviving...

Many times I find myself asking this question to the wind and end up hearing the same laughter I want to cry from within me...

I am asking You! Let me breathe outside this insane boundaries that haunt us since childbirth!
I am almost begging You! Whomever you are!

WHY CAN'T ANYBODY SEE WHAT I SEE?!?!?

Why can't anybody hear this soul scream?
Why isn't anyone suffering this like me?

WHY DOESN'T THIS BOTHER ME AT ALL?!?!?

I used to think this feelings of guilt and pain were only mad ghosts unwilling to leave this faceless heart. Now I know what they are...

Why can't You understand it anyhow?

There is a war raging aloud in this empty and soulless world of ours. And all we need is an angel!
An illusion master we the same urge to sell us his emotions as our own constant need to dispose of them!

I think about this as often as I cry for help... Inside of all my loneliness...
Wishing I could be that dark inoccent angel that lurke in the shadows of Your holyness and Your most sacred and tormented desires.
The ones You can't denny, the sames ones that made You kill me and stretch my flesh until all I could see of myself was boneless skin ripped apart.

You said You wanted me... We always want what we cannot have...

Seven Deadly Sins :: by Martha Dawig ::

Comments by ~blackeri

"Greed, also called Avarice or Covetousness, is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual"

Well, here's one more guys

"Saudade"

Today I found myself listening to soul music and watching out my bedroom window at an hilariously bright summer day without even a glance of guilt in my mind.

Everytime I think how none of this ever made sense I can't help but to laugh inside.

Finally I stopped feeling weak. but I don't feel strong either. I wonder if this is okay... Not feeling "not so good" for a little while.

Went downstairs for a cup of coffe and got an instant safety in that strong warm drink. Someone should have told me that we must always take some time to enjoy little pleasures like this without worrying and trying to find out how we could have spent it on something else. Because that something is usually as usefull as it is boring.

Though all I want to do is pick up the phone and talk to you I know I won't do it... Not again... You just wouldn't understand... You never did and you'll never do. It's just how things are and people are not meant to be changed... At least not for me!

So I'll just get back to my useful and boring something that has been keeping me in a peaceful state of mind. And I'll just wait patiently for the night as I always seem to do.
No one would say I'm home now more than I ever been.

It's funny how we discover peace when things end. Comfort in a warm and brief goodbye. Joy in the emptiness of departure.

I will miss him more than I'm willing to admit! I will miss him as I rarely miss anyone. I will miss his way of making me feel like a little child... So special and cared for!
I wish I thanked him in a more explicit way but I guess somethings have no need for empty words. And somethings are not meant to be said.
It's funny though... How it only took a few moments of pure friendship and a strong sincere hug on the rightest moment!

I'll get back then. To the music... To my ordinary life hopping someday we'll meet again!

Seven Deadly Sins :: by Marta Dawig ::

Comments by ~blackeri

The theme:

Second of the Seven Deadly Sins serie.

"Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or
situation"

Personally I think envy means much more than just a wish to have something
someone else has. To me, it means also ACTING AGAINST that person,
"revenging" in a way, trying to take the "object of our desire" away from
them, or backstabbing them in some way etc.
That is why myself I consider envy the "heaviest" sin of all seven.

symbolism:
- snake - as I mentioned, envy, to me, is connected with cunning and doing
something behind one's back

- poison ivy leaf in the frame (and the column)- maybe just a word play, but
I always connected ivy with destruction of some sort... Growing using a
different object as a "support"... Something like that ;]

- color green - i guess it needs no comment

Sigh!!

I strived only for freedom... Still you couldn't let me go!

Charade

Oh the charade! It never ended! Oh but we had fun!

Silent painful melodies echoed into the darkest night. The puppets' strings were pulled... Back and forth... Back and forth...
We went round and round and round... Till our senses were no more and the sadistic seasickness was all there was to be!

Lust and darkness and rubber dolls.

You always felt me beside you even when you were gone. And you were always gone long enough for me to panic at the sight of you hanging over me in ecstasy.

Your hands touched me like no other's. And your tongue burnt the light that still watched over me.

How could I dare to love you? There'll never be caring sentiments in such a strong passion.
You ruled me... I ruled your world...

Mirroir of Dreams

The mirror was slashed by a wrong side of me, my spirit in trance by all the chaotic visions of endearment. I seldom like what I see...
In its cutting pieces I saw such butchery and such horror one could just imagine.

Oh God this images!! How I wish I could silent them away with the next break of a new dawn.

- "Dear, how can you be so utterly sad?"
- "I just smile..."

Meanings

Suddenly all things were detached from their souls. The fire burnt all over again.

... Ought I understand why? ...

Oh the pain and the ache were so strong it almost hurted to wash it away. And still I enjoyed it!

... Ought I understand why? ...

The life, the dreams, crushed against a wall of thorns. The drippy blood... My blood... So crimson red it killed the light!

... Ought I understand why? ...

But I knew those meanings!! I just couldn't let them go!!

... Ought I understand why? ...

Aging

I wanted to cry...
An impassive silence would impose...
Somehow...
Was it so wrong to try?
I mean... I was to come close...
Anyhow...

Better left than right
If ahead is where you went...
Raging...
Wounded... So I might...
Stick around and bent...
Aging...

Nervous breakdown

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

What's the point in breaking down if no one seems to listen anyway?

Youngness

There was always a certain delusion in his youth. As often as he cried his eyes wouldn't listen to the salty water in his cheeks.
And as I went on he just smiled everytime I left and said no more than "Be back soon if you may".

So the years passed and he just stood there with his everlasting inocence... In the half rain gentled by the queer blossom of some glint of pretensious light.

One day I came back a little earlier to find out with profound awe that he was not there...
The next day I tried to make it on schedule... He just replied "It wasn't the time... One shall not fool around...".
That's how I lost him... Forever in the abysm of a night (un)like so many others...

Those rays of light...

Those rays of light were so scarce...

The raindrops were just falling as though nothing could set them free of the cold.
The hunger grew onto myself to finish what I had begun. But his will was far stronger and I gave up on me.

Thought it was an angel coming out of the fog, all white and gently touched by only a sparkle of pain in its eyes.
But then I learnt that daemons seldom cry for their long lost wings. And they often come in white for the fear of being rejected by human empathy.
For they need it as humans need their approval.

Chained

"My world keeps turning upside down and I can't break the chain"

Gostaria de poder dizer que estou melhor.
Contudo, apenas o simples facto de nada sentir é por si só um prenúncio de que nem tudo corre como desejado.

Esta constante necessidade de o gritar ao vento vai desaparecendo aos poucos à medida que a vida segue seu rumo.
Sinceramente... Não sei se prefiro o desespero à apatia...

Se o desaparecer do sol significasse estar perto do fim do dia ou tão só do início da noite, para mim seria razão suficiente para que eu desaparecesse também.
Não obstante, sigo em frente... Tendo o nada como horizonte, o vazio como sol e a dor como motor de vida...

Devaneio

E se originalidade não é aquilo que me falta mas tão só o direito de a expressar?

Dizem que tudo o que se perde algum dia volta ao seu lugar... Como se tivesse sido minha uma noite que fosse!

Quando olho para trás só vejo o que não foi iluminado porque quando se acende a luz o encanto desaparece.

Queria tanto o abandono que me esqueci de te perguntar se ainda te lembras do que fui...
Garanto-te que cá estarei quando decidires teu rumo. Cá estarei já sem a esperança do reencontro.
Porque foi que me perdeste de vista? A mim e ao que te prendia à vida...
Será que já não sabes quem fomos em tempos mal passados mas bem vividos

Não será a loucura um passo directo para abismos e enredos com os quais eu sempre soube lidar melhor que com a lucidez?
Como eu desejo abraçar esta imensidão de rotundas e cruzamentos que é a minha sucessão permanente de estados físicos e mentais.
As leis de um espírito selvagem nunca poderão ser mais que prometidas. Porque a sua natureza assim o dita.

E se eu algum dia partisse à descoberta das trevas que se escondem em teu manto? Será que poderias então chamar-me intemporal? Poderias ver-me no espelho de tuas lágrimas sem deixar teus olhos vermelhos de dor?
Talvez então descobrisses o que significa para mim uma vida em tons de cinzel, apagada como se, enviesada, não se deslumbrasse. Como se a fé não bastasse...

E se a verdade batesse à minha porta e eu me recusasse a deixá-la entrar?

Explica-me tais preâmbulos que não entendo. Pois se a ciência não é uma arte, o que seria do belo sem o racional?

Há coisas que se arrastam com um simples sopro, quanto mais um vendaval! Sabe-se lá o que por aqui já passou!
Para sempre tua, em lado nenhum... Anónima como vento!