Intermission

I feel exhausted. This world exhausts me.
I'm hiding behind a curtain painted with the wrong colours and I'm so tired of the "should have been(s)" that never were.

Nothing matters anyway, does it?

The clock is ticking and no time really goes by in this black and white movie - static, frozen.
A rigid script that you think you can change without knowing how wrong you are!

I have to give up pretending some day. Just not today...

Coming back to a part of me that I abandoned long ago... it brings with it an awkward feeling of misplaced sense of self.

Sleep... forever...

We cried together
Lived the part
Of lovers apart

Meaning without a cause
Call it a question

Treat the past as air
Just as fair

My lie....
Leave it all to die...

Turn to face the door as it was open. Tried not to worry about what had been said and done.
I can't turn back the clock, my friend! I can't turn it back to the old days when we were what we wanted to be...

Can't fake it! Such an illusion.

The room with mirrors and the doll at the window.
Rested in peace as I layed down at your feet.
Reminding me of the past and the trees in the backyard.
Your trust and not your hand! Your ring of fire in the head as though some saint couldn't get it back!

Never

This is the side of me you'll never know
The one you should let go.
That one you should care about... but you don't.

Let me go, leave me to the night...

Untitled

Cities rise on my fingers when darkness sets.
Empires risen on sand of dead generations.
Blisters with the taste of bliss.
Dead as I am no one can be... And yet they live as such!
No soul, no pity, no mercy... no one!

It was that room. That road I forgot how to walk, the one I don't even recall remembering. The beauty of it all seemed to astound me.
But only for a moment they were all fragments of me, a historical figment, a past in the wild.
Now they were here to haunt me.

I was alone in that royal peace, a humble servant of your pleasure.

Believed in carols for you whispered them.

And as days turned into nights I felt as a queen.

Yesterday you knocked on my door with a sense of eagerness. Today, you're just a lonesome boy. The way you cared and touched... Was only a glimpse of your fortuitous glamour.

So I walk this streets alone once more hopping for the nights. The darkness that's only mine... not ours.
Tell me why is it that I feel the end is near?

Perishing endearments in your golden dreams

And a portion of nightmares to match.

Begins with has and haven't beens

And the ending is the broken pieces we catch.

Black as if white has been washed out. That's how I sense my reality. If only I could restore it's foggy brightness...

I was alone in that royal peace, a humble servant of your pleasure.
Believed in carols for you whispered them.
And as days turned into nights I felt as a queen.

One of these mornings

" One of these mornings
Won't be very long
They will look for me
And I'll be gone "

To think I'm still here
As though our time has never been past
To believe in it as a mere
Reflection of a life that's been gone fast.

Fast as the beating of my heart,
Busy as the people on these streets.

One of these mornings...
They'll wake up to find me gone...
Despite of all the warnings...
I'll be here no more...

whom

I would rather die than face life with the eyes of your indifference.
Such an incoherence in your voice speaks louder than your thoughts.
As if the world is to end in flatulence.

But then again... who are you?

The emptiness is there and you don't see it! And there's nothing more I can do!

something that you should know

A beutifull poem. Not mine but worthy of mentioning. Hope you like it too.

"my secrets
appear on your window
when you fog the division
with your own warm breath;
you lost yourself in their presence,
in your search for
cheekbones on sunflowers
and night blades
by the moon's chin.
impatience hummed your fears,
and the absence you cherished
quickly dissolved.
the only way to know is
to
ask
nothing."

© 2006 Cecilia - Mistress of the Universe

Posted »» here ««

Grounded

She says without you I'll loose ground... That's what she says... But I, I'm not quite sure!

She said it would be fun without you...
That's what she said...
And I, I was sure... We were wrong!

She will say that I'll be better off by myself...
That's what I think she will say...
And of that I will be sure... For I've always been alone!

Too Deep

When it touches too deep there is no way out.
No way, no roads, nothing I couldn't live without!

Empty spaces are filled with utopia,
disturbed only by the peacefullness of void resolutions
And there is no way out. No absolutions!

Harder and harder to stay away!
I just wanted to know how to pray.

And I want to fly, fly, fly...
Fly so far away from this fire that burns with me!
Fly, fly, fly... oh why?
But there is no way out! No way... to be free!

No more weakness in my eyes...
as though loneliness was but an illusion!
Inside it's the only thing I still feel,
No more... nothing more than confusion!

I've never been so wrong in my life, I know!
To think that you'll ever understand!
It's too much for you, I know!
So much more pain than you can stand!

And so I hide in anger and despair,
hoping one day I'll find the exit!
One step at a time! It's just not fair!

I wish I could surrender to death!

No way... No way... No way out of this for me!

And so I stand here... Waiting...

Waiting for the clock to turn...
And for the flowers to burn...

Waiting for my life...
In the edge of the knife...

I unlocked the door for you,
and the light went through.

This image got out of my head
As a nightmare with a led.

Illusions

I see all this but it can't touch me. It's an illusion...
It seems like we're drawing ourselves on some sort of canvas. A water painting... Slowly fading....
The more I try to rationalize the less I perceive. That's just how it is!
They tell me I have to live in reality. I hate their reality... For it is so different from mine!
In my hands I hold the key to freedom. Why am I so afraid to use it? Why is it so hard to smile... and just let go?
It's like a disease, this ability to dream... So intense! It slowly kills you as a drug, making you believe you can leave in its arms and... let go!

Hold it... and let you go...
Fail with it... and let you go....

I had to chance to get out... Did I?
They gave me that chance... Did they?
I could have been someone... Ain't I?
It could have meant something... doesn't it?

So how can you define what's real and what's not? If you don't know who it is that cry inside this soul and you can't even decide if I deserve your appreciation?

I dress in black even when I'm strong! I shoot the pain even when I am weak! I fight the 'till it hurts no more. And until it is over I feel naked upon the mere sight of a simple moon reflecting my fears.
And the world twirls around with only a thought of it. It becomes hollow as a vacant room in my secret mansion. And the rain stops as I wish it to.

I'm so tired! Need to rest...
Need eternity as a wild animal needs to feed...
I need freedom...
I'm dying... Can't you see I'm dying?

Blindness

Blindness is truth... and I... I can't see...
I can't see I'm falling!!

Testimonial

"The bleakness of the landscape is unimaginable. It is as friendless and alien as a Dali painting. Ordinary concerns, such as work or friends, have no place here. Futility muffles thought; time elongates cruelly. Who is to blame for this situation? Those with depression think it must be them. Pointlessness and self-loathing govern them. So the natural final step is suicide. People with depression don’t kill themselves to frighten an errant boyfriend. They kill themselves because it is the obvious and right thing to do at that point. It is the only positive step they can think of."

Kay McKall,
an Ipswich (UK) general practitioner and consumer with depression, writing in the British Medical Journal
(NAMI Advocate, winter 2002)

Revolting News

I know this is not the regular stuff I put in my blog but it was really a revolting situation in my country that I had to post! I hope you don't let something like this happen in your country!

Responsible for a caring center in Setúbal (Portugal) used inflicted phisical punishments
The Supreme Court's decision concerning abuse to children with mental retardations is "preoccupying and revolting"
12.04.2006 - 11h00 Lusa

Humberto Santos, the president of the Portuguese Association for the retarded (APD), considers that the fact that the Supreme Court of Justice defended the concept of "education by agression" when refering to mentally and phisically retarded children is "preoccupying and revolting".

"It is a unqualifying agression for whom is practicing it, but it is very concerning e profoundly revolting when it is defended, especially by a court of law", stated Humberto Santos.

The president of the Portuguese Association for the retarded (APD) stated also that this is "a Middle Ages descriptive picture". "The educative system accepted by this decision would be a natural act on a period of time that would be very different from the one we are on now that is the XXI century", he said.

"We are facing a grotesc violation of the human rights and this decision will allow everyone in a similar situation to keep the aggressions. This is very preoccupying", he remarked.

Humberto Santos believes that, by its serious nature, this case should be reviewed by the European Court for The Human Rights. "If we had been the promoting entity for this action, this would be the next step to take", he stated.

The president of the APD assured that he had no knowledge of what was happening in that caring center in Setúbal, nor he had known any similar situations in other institutions.

The Supreme Court of Justice considered the behaviour of the responsible of a caring center for retarded children accused of abuse to several children as "licit" and "acceptable".

The woman had been accused of various situations: beating children, locking them in dark rooms when they refused to eat. She was found guilty of only one situation (the court considered that, at least twice, she tied up the feet and the hands of a seven year old boy, as a way to avoid him to disturb her sleep by getting out of the bed), having she been condemned with suspended penalty.

The Public Prosecution Service has contested the decision but with no hope. The Supreme Court said that locking children in rooms is a regular punishment of any "good father". And that the beating, if otherwise done, can even inccur in "educational negligence".

"What man called a good father won't beat his kid when he doesn't want to go to school once or twice? (...) or won't send his child to his bedroom when he doesn't want to eat? As for the first two we can actually say that, when absent, can become a educational negligence. Most children refuse to go to school once or twice and this has to be imposed due to its vital importance. Of course that if its a school phobia it is important to ask the motives and professional counseling. But when we face one or two refusals, light beating is part of the education", the judges say in a decision taken last week.

In Publico, April 2 2006

Love Letter

You know this ain't a love letter.

The ink is flowing out the paper as tears that I never shed. Irony in senses as a wild splash. I glanced at each of you everytime my cristal eye broke. Still no shame and no hunger... No blame, no anger!

Touched me and I saw the light... Burnt in the sun! A king without dignity, a realm of pain, once a merciful servant...

No more!! Never more!!

And so I hide... from you and your deadly sin...

We reached the clouds didn't we? We reached the stars... We killed the nights!

I survived! Why didn't you?

My old friend

My old friend comes to me
when he's lonely.
My lonesome friend finds me...
himself... Solely!

He thinks I'm crazy, my crazy friend.
To my birth he tries to attend!

A new friend now I have... So much like
my oldest friend! So wrong done! And said!
But not so easily laid!